I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
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Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster