Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry