Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Whoa 😂
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old