A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.