No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
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The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.