This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.