Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Cinematography is my passion
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name