I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.