date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
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[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My first child will be named New Folder.