My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
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If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.