#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: