If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
this is the news I live for