*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
You Might Also Like
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My plans: 2020:
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
getting groceries
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.