The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
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What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute