COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.