Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
you have three unread messages
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*