Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess