ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
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(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
These are my roll models.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works