guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …