“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
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Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.