Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.