[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
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Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
#inspiration #foodforthought
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
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