My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
From Facebook just now…
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I know
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…