Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.