DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
You Might Also Like
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
With this onion ring, I thee fed
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
💯😂
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying