[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting