[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
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*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I have two kinds of followers
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”