I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day