Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.