Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes