Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
You Might Also Like
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Not recommended for beginners.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
March 16
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.