The pen is writier than the sword.
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
mom had nothing to worry about
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
#SuperBowl
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.