I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
You Might Also Like
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms