Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
You Might Also Like
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Follow me for more recipes
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.