[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
honestly, i need both:
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]