i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
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3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
how to have an accident 101
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt