Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
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dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”