*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.