The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
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I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs