You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess