The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
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[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Here’s a meme
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Labreador
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time