(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
You look like you would fail a DNA test
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night