i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
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“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Boom, boom, ching!
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?