Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
You Might Also Like
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*