Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
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How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!