Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
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Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.