I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
can’t wait til they legalize outside
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
how was your vacation
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Just had my nails done!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Very good! 👍😂
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.