A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally!
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm