Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.