You Might Also Like
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”